Infinite Loop : 2

Hold on a moment. Let me breathe first. Back it up just a little. I’m about to fucking erupt. Breathe in. Hold. And breathe out. Okay. Okay. Okay. I think now I am fine to complete this infinity thoughts of mine.
I am pretty clear about everything. Whenever I get confuse about anything, I think about it for minutes to hours but when I done thinking, I am done. I never think about it again no matter what will be the result is, if I have to do it then I have to. Often people say “you have ego and attitude.” May be yes or may be not. According to me the ego is that part of our personality that falsely believes itself to be separated from others. The ego creates an identity as an attempt to prove this separation. This identity is defined in terms of unique characteristics. We forgets that we all made of the same stuff and nature and therefore we are not different from each other but it doesn’t mean we are more intelligent and smart from others. A belief in separation leads to thoughts of death, abandonment, isolation, rejection and starvation, which in turn lead to dysfunctional behavior patterns including selfishness, cruelty, violence, crime and conflict of all kinds. It’s caused by believing that if what’s outside of us is not us, then it must be a competitor or an enemy. As an example our hand have five fingers with different lengths and shape if they think like an individual and just act differently so what’s happened but actually they thought “We are all fingers on the same hand. What would be the sense in one finger hurting another? The wound could become infected; the infection could then spread to the hand, and from there to all the other fingers. Perhaps the whole hand would then need to be amputated.” Conflict between people on Earth has harmed not only each other, but the planet itself – and now there is a risk to everyone. As it becomes increasingly common knowledge that everything in the universe is one, we will begin experiencing ourselves as one. Live a better life and help others too in living the same. Just simply enjoy and live free.
Free your mind, let go of your hate and learn that this world is an extraordinarily beautiful place. Learn to love yourself, let go of your judgmental bullshit and find happiness in yourself. I’m trying to do exactly that every time I take to this page, every time I work on my manuscripts, and with every breath that I take. I’m the kind of man who will do anything for people I like. But if you cross me, if you judge me or try to destroy who I want to be, then I am a goddamn wolf who is going to rip you apart limb from limb and bury your remains my backyard. I am serious.
How can someone who claims to be so intelligent have made so many mistakes? Most of the people asked me this question. Dude, I am a fucking stupid human and I love making mistakes. What’s your problem? I try to imagine what steps I need to take in my life to bridge the gap between who I am and who I long to be. Whereas I was once a boy I’m now a man. My chin that was once smooth is now covered with coarse hair. The skin around my eyes has grown the faintest inklings of crow’s feet, and my face is slightly freckled from a youth spent in the sun. For the most part I find myself comforted by the changes I see before me. I’ve grown older, wiser, and stronger. I’m gaining maturity while still possessing that youthful zeal. But when I focus on my eyes and ask myself those poignant questions; when I stare at the tiredness in them, they tell me that I’ve fallen short of where I could be by now.
I stopped giving fuck to others long ago. Today I am writing this because I felt writing one and fuck it off if you still have problem with it and this time it is ego. I am a microcosm in my own right, and I will produce what is right for me. I pay no attention to the judgment of others. I’m not some kind of fucking superstar or centerfold who’s here to bend over backwards to appease every damn person I meet. It is my life. If you don’t know how to treat your friends rightly. Sorry, never expect anything from others. Lastly, I would like to thanks Newton and Karma.
“Every action has equal and opposite reaction.” – 3rd law
“What goes around comes around, as you sow, so shall you reap” – Karma

© Shubham Malik

Infinite Loop : 1

I am not a writer. I never want to be one and shall never going to be probably. So, why I write? I write to express what I feel underneath. Most of the people give the same answer but still there is a slight difference between them and me. I am ‘curious writer’ not a regular one. I try to pour my heart out and soul onto a piece of page in an effort to create something magical; something which will create an impact on the person who is going to read it or sometimes make them think. There is a world of words, metaphors, personification and phrases which race through my head vigorously. Words and imaginations wanders around me, in front of me. And while I write I try to show them to others and to myself. I try to find a new ‘me’ each and every time not exactly within me but with me. I don’t know why I think this way but I can’t help it out. I am a curious person and my curiosity is clandestine. I find myself standing in front of a mirror wondering just what is going on. I find myself staring deeper and deeper into my own eyes, trying desperately to peer into my soul in an effort to decipher my past, my present, and my future. It’s not something I plan to do but when I lost in my own thoughts I see a person standing in front of me who is not strong, week, happy or sad and I am in love with that person.

Sometimes I wake up at night thinking and feeling about ‘infinities and beyond infinities or within a far deeper word which don’t have any existence, yet’. And at those odd hours of night I want someone to hear me. I desperately want to tell it but still I don’t know to whom. I am happy, I am happy with myself and I want to see others happy to. I have limited resources and limited life. I can’t make everything right but I want to see happiness on the face of the person I seriously love. There are not many people I love but I love and I am not going to stop it. I can’t give upon on people.

What exactly I want? I am still unable to find. But this unending desire to find more and more about humans and life sometimes make me look stupid or sometimes psychic in a way or other. I use to imagine what other thinks and then try to think if I was right or not after listening what they are saying but this makes a slight bond of mine with them. If I ever did this with you than definitely there is something between us through us which helps me to let know what is going on inside you.

What is the benefit of this? May be it is because I try to gain a better understanding of myself as a human being living within a universe of infinite potential full of wonders and amazing experiences. This is the only reason why I write or what I want to write: about what inspires me, what saddens or angers me, and what challenges me on an emotional or intellectual level. This is me. It is hard to accept but I care for people around me. Most of them love me and many of them not but every time it is not necessity to reflect everything.
“Sometimes reflections don’t reflect back with the same path of incidence but they do and that is what matters for me. Reflections.”

© Shubham Malik

Dark poem : Woods

Lights started feeling like a pain,
when falls on the skin built from ashes,
Lock me inside a prison of no escape,
to let me escape completely.

Can the light let me free,
or make me fool with actions.
Can I ever live with myself,
or there is no way to dark.

Want to see the boundaries
which divide life from death.
Shadow and vague path
where destiny ends and re-begins.

Keep track of long lost places,
where forest become old.
And start turning into woods
of time and hate.

Follow the light till
Mysterious deaths,
long lost stories,
rotten fruits become pale.

Don’t follow something
if you reach there; if it were dead,
you’ll feel sad and you’ll not feel glad
to know how it would.

Escaping lies,
lonely territories,
peaceful light with
untold truths lies there.

Where light meets woods.

© Shubham Malik

Fragile Curiosity

Its been 3 years and I am still missing a part of me. Missing the moments.

Most of the times it feel like I am standing between the two doors. I wanted to move inside, leaving my present condition but still she was holding me. Falling inside the moment of my own well.  There was a time when I used to see my phone all the time. But now? Nothing, nothing is like a feeling not a word. I am an insomniac not because I am sleep deprived but the reason is,  her memories fall on my imagination and make me confuse between reality and illusion. My heart is not only pumping blood but it is pumping blood with emotions. I went to bed and most of the times woke up in the middle of the night. Is I am in my astral projection or my senses are confuse. It is very hard to figure out sometime. I want to live in that world of illusion where I see only black and white people, not their faces just black, black and illusions of the reality. I think this is how virtual reality came into existence. Most of the people hate being in the real world.
I am scared. I am nervous. I am stupid. I am an idiot. But I am a poor human with some rich emotions but she reversed it. Now I am rich in both emotions and balance of what we call money. There is a void, a very big void. I am unable to fill this void in past 3 years. 3 years is a time which looks very big. May be yes and may be no. I seriously do not know. Those 3 years make me understand one thing. ‘How to ask question to yourself and than to answer them by yourself’ Most of the times my brain knew the answers of course but my soul decided to let it go. The circumstances around me are bruising and breaking me up from inside.

My heart is searching for
its fragrance but
it can’t find it
It can’t get a
blanket to cover itself
Roaming around in
fragments of my own poetry
Can’t get contained in couplets
Want to dance like crazy again
It is dancing but not in rhyme
Searching for the existence
of that part
which is still missing in the past.

Fire is burning inside. Making me burn. Burn in angst. Angst and oblivion are the two words which describe my start of mind. But this fire is the only reason how I achieved it.
Somewhere I read, “Success is the best revenge.”
But no one ever told me that “you have to lose yourself in every bit to achieve it.”

My smiles couldn’t be any softer
yet tears etched in stone.
My vision is precise,
accounting for every string
torn beyond my own hands.

Hands which hold yours
long back, still misses yours
but now unfortunately not you.

Failed fragments trailing
off into the sky,
never to return and made
beautiful by revealing light.

Joy and pain;
the light and lack there of,
both can trap,
Bring peace and
Smile with joy.
Be happy.

 

Signed out ~ After and Forever

Shubham Malik
© Shadow Of the Droplets

Image copyright – Google
Only for display, no copyright has been violated

Fucked Up World

When I see around. I realize we all are living with the bunch of stupid people, under the supervision of those people and moreover we chose those people and at last we are the one who complaint to them about the problem which they don’t listen.

Okay, let me correct myself here. We don’t just have problem, we have PROBLEMS

– Complaint about inequality
but we are the one who used to call a person with his cast and when the same happens with us, its partiality for us.

– Complain about poverty
but we are the one who used to bargain with the small vendors for a single penny because we don’t want to give a rupee extra.

– Complain about higher prices
but we are the one who try to save income tax through different measure because it is our money, isn’t it?

– Complain about injustice
but we are the one who don’t say or do a single thing when something wrong is happening in front of our own eyes because we think ‘why to invite a trouble.’

– Complain about ‘level of living’
but we are the one who always compare ourselves with others. We want to be like others but don’t want to work like them and only complain about our condition with fate.

Wow, do I need to explain who is stupid here.

It’s a fucked up world
What do we get?
Sex and love and guns,
light a cigarette.
Fuck the problems.
Is it ?

I see things and most of the times I try to relate with them. When I see people complaining I used to ask a question from myself, “What the hell is wrong with people?”

I get my inspiration from my surrounding. I write what I saw, what I feel and what I learn. But when such things happens I only get negative thoughts.
This is not what I want. This is not the things which helps me to inspire. Even they are not the people I used to acknowledge. I write for myself and then for others. If you ever read my creation than I am sure you’re touched at some point.
Don’t know why we are so fucked up but who cares, because why we don’t want to change?

© Shubham Malik

Stumbling Thoughts

I try to show my world with my feelings and words. I feel writing helps me to keep my thoughts at rest & concentrated.
After two years of writing, I realize my thoughts helps me a lot but somewhere I am still in a dilemma and imprisoned by feelings. This is the reason why I am quite influenced by the people around me instead of myself.
My simplest answer to my own questions is ‘lets try again’. May be this time I’ll get something new ordinary which make me a new extra-ordinary. But my thoughts are hard. They make my mind shallow and sometimes simple, because after spending two decades with them even today I have to make choices, to make decisions because I have to live my next 6 decades with them. If I reshape my thoughts, I am sure they could do a lot for me, I may able to rethink what I want to think long back. And it might be possible that I will be able to done something new instead of procrastinating.
Most of the people said me, I like the way you write your words. I simple said ‘thanks’ to them. Sometimes they asked a new question, “how could you write your thoughts so beautifully?” and started looking at my face in hope for the answer. I lowers my face in disgust because I still have this question, ‘Is I am that good?’ This is a new marrow confusion that start pushing me in a new vacuum of confusion. I really don’t know some answers. I never tried to find them and never will, hopefully if they doesn’t try to haunt me some day.
Experience is making us good or bad, making us who we are and I am pretty happy with the way I am at present. But as always a spark came in night, slapped me, and in the lost dreams I found my answers again.
Wait for a moment
Thoughts will get stable
Don’t try to stop them,
Every sorrow and confusion,
Coming to you,
will merge with answers in you.
Don’t stop them from flowing,
Let them flow like the river,
They will be able to adjust
and let you win.
I wish they will keep on confusing me and be with me forever (thoughts). And this is how I wish them to be.
May the talks between my mind and heart
go on like this forever
May my meets continue to
happen like this forever
May my days and nights
keep passing on like this
May new thoughts get generated
from my past experiences.
And then with those experience,
I’ll write a piece of new words
Which touches everyone’s hearts.

© Shubham Malik
Shadow of the Droplets

Image Source – Google
Picture used for demonstration, no copyright is violated.

Poem – Sirius

I feel your presence beside me.
You cannot hide in the darkness
Of moon which was upon us.
Can you feel that rumble?

We throw ourselves
Into this new hope
Of possibilities
Yesterday’s Sirius night.
Can you see that star?

I am crucified
for this time
to pass like
dark ascension.
Can you know that?

A bulb casting light upon
us like a candle
On the darkness.
Can you like that?

You and I see eye to eye.
How I found you,
Without you.
How I can feel you,
Without you.
Can you feel that?

Can you see that
You’re lost in me.
Can you see that
I’m lost without you.

© Shubham Malik
Shadow of the Droplets